I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
