if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
