I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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