got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
