What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
