So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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