My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize