I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
