They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize