So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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