I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
