it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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