it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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