I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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