this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
