Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
