You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
