why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize