The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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