Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Dick very happy bro
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
