they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
