hotel room ftw
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize