I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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