dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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