dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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