Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
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