life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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