Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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