I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
