Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
