i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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