Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
