Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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