p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You ruined the universe
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize