i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
