I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
