The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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