none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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