Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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