Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize