If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
