Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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