Well apparently he's into motor boating.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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