You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Randomize
