First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Did we literally take a cab across the street
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
