Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
