can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize