this just has baby written all over it
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
