At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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