I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
