please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize