some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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