I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
