My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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