the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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