fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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