I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
