I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
