what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize