I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
