Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
