I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He kissed a someone with a penis
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
