you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
