just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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