Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
